RLO, officially the Residence Life Office (though we have it on reliable authority that it actually stands for Really Lousy Office) has bravely taken up the fight against the most significant threat that today confronts America’s youth: tables. 

According to data released by the CDC, tables are the leading cause of death among college students, and have been known to cause cancer, C. diff, and spontaneous human combustion.

“We are taking swift actions to protect our students from this dangerous menace” said Director of Residence Life S. L. Umlord. “Tables are pernicious, malicious, wicked things, a malignant tumor on our community.”

Umlord reportedly personally removed game tables from the Armfield apartments and threw them into a volcano. “Thats the only way they can be destroyed”. Those tables in particular were extremely dangerous. “When they were installed, the total number of crimes committed on this campus reached its all time high” reported Cameron Poe, Chief of Campus Police.

RLO is now bravely taking their fight against tables to the rest of campus, so that this plague cannot harm Davidson Students anymore.

In other news, three students were hospitalized due to severe lung issues from mold in the residence hall vents.