Friends, Romans, Countrymen — 

Lend me ye ears! We write in defiance against all subordinate literary publications on campus. We come not to praise or support Hobart Park but to bury it. And Libertas and New Mag and that very short-lived music magazine too. The Yowl (and I suppose by extension the rest of this paper) is the only group publishing every single week. These cowardly organizations take a full office and a full semester to publish one publication. They have haughty budgets and no idea what to do with it. A Nummit open tab? A spelling bee? Silly excuses to run up a tab paid for by student fees to be able to add another two months to their timelines to publish. 

We are officially announcing our attempts to consolidate power. The Yowl finds itself in the most important literature movement competition on campus. The other magazines are relics and dinosaurs, taking several weeks to publish only to have a couple of their friends submit stories. Here at The Yowl we have nobody submit stories despite asking for them constantly. Ah ha! That shows you our reach and power on campus right there. 

Frankly, the idea that publications run on these vague deadlines and curation  practices and do not just simply flood the zone with sheer volume of writings with the hopes that one single joke lands is ludicrous! You don’t need that office to lay out a paper once a semester. You don’t need that Nummit tab to promote a publication coming out in three months. You don’t need a puff piece in The Davidsonian on your organization. We shall take over the waste that these organizations feed on, I say! We are annexing the Libertas and Hobart Park office. We need the space for vague, nefarious purposes. We shall take the tabs and money to come up with various ludicrous purchases that we really could not justify. We are taking the space of the other publications we forgot to mention simply just to take up even more space on the campus writing scene in order to heckle people with no clear end goal or punchline. If you can not publish multiple times a semester you will be absorbed into the satire industrial complex. The print version of creating content for clicks will consume you.