On Monday, The Davidsonian obtained a copy of an extensive report detailing widespread and ongoing corruption among some of the college’s most important student organizations. The report vindicates students’ concerns about a rise in political posturing and authoritarian behaviors from the Student Government Association (SGA), Residence Life Office (RLO), Activities Tax Council (ATC), Center for Political Engagement (CPE), and the Honor Council. The report is too long to reproduce in full, so The Davidsonian has instead decided to summarize it below.
1. SGA intends to run a fraudulent presidential election.
If you read the article in the News section of The Davidsonian on the left, first: good job. Second, you may have noticed that some members of SGA intend to run a dictatorship. Well, this has been confirmed by our Politics reporters, as they have revealed how SGA President Connor Hines ‘26 has attempted to try and prove his democratic values. In an interview with The Davidsonian, Hines relayed that he was in fact not a dictator and even had an opponent in the upcoming election named Sconnor Shines ‘26.
“I’ve never heard of anyone named Sconnor Shines, but Connor has definitely been telling us to turn a blind eye to anything weird we may see in the upcoming election and kept chanting ‘stop the steal’ in our last meeting,” said an anonymous first-year SGA senator. “He kept bringing up how we shouldn’t worry about the next SGA election because he has it ‘in the bag,’ and isn’t worried about any other ‘unbelievable schmuck who gets in his way.’”
Hines declined to comment. Sus.
2. Walter Snipes still pulls the strings at RLO.
You thought he retired, huh? You thought wrong. Former Assistant Dean of Students and Director of Residence Life Walter Snipes has been secretly living in sub-base Belk, relaying all the freshman drama back to RLO. “Yeah it was really weird when a grown man pulled up to my friend’s pregame on second Belk,” said first-year Megusta Todrink ‘28. “He kept saying how he was ‘one of the cool guys’ and had a ‘really sick’ fake ID he could buy us White Claws with even though he was clearly a full grown man.”
Reporters from The Davidsonian eventually found Dean Snipes curled up in a ball under one of the study tables he turned into a makeshift bed, wearing a Davidson Class of 2028 t-shirt. From that moment on, his scheme was foiled. It is unclear what will happen to Dean Snipes, but likely the Honor Council will determine his fate after this scandal.
3. The Honor Council unfairly punishes students, stifling their academic creativity.
One of the report’s most distressing revelations is that the Honor Council, Davidson’s prized organization, has recently undergone a dramatic shift away from its egalitarian principles, invoking comparisons to the U.S. Supreme Court.
Allegations that prosecutors and defense advisors have been collaborating behind the scenes are validated by the report, which identifies a concerted effort to unfairly punish students for being too cool and thinking outside the box.
We reached out to one student who felt their hearing was unfair. “It was really weird, they were just like ‘we talked to the prosecutors and, uh, yer cooked. Might as well plead guilty and start grinding out those transfer applications, bud.’ I didn’t even know how to respond,” Cantcatch Thesehands ‘28 said.
“I’ve used ChatGPT for like all my assignments so far. It’s just really unfair because like I didn’t even use it in the essay my professor thought I did. I just had my mom write it, which is like totally fine, right??” Thesehands said.
4. ATC is run by special interest and dark money groups.
Why do certain clubs receive tens of thousands of dollars worth of funding while others receive only a few hundred? The answer may be based less on merit than one would expect.
Indeed, the report confirms that clubs with representatives on ATC or the Club Sports Council have received, on average, three times as much funding as unrepresented clubs. The effect is also significant for clubs whose leadership has close connections to representatives.
Obviously, The Davidsonian has never abused its influence to lobby for a bigger budget. Don’t even think about it. But have you noticed WALT has a lot of new equipment this year?
“I put in a super reasonable request for Gaelic Sports Club. We weren’t even asking for that much. But when I talked to someone on ATC, they just told me to shut my mouth because WALT wanted to have another DJ,” Nofun Killjoy ‘25 said.
5. CPE actively conspires to suppress conservative voices.
Have you ever wondered why your political science classes never seem to have more than two vocal Republicans? Turns out, that may be by design. The report details the results of a sophisticated cyberattack that has allowed CPE operatives to manually ensure conservative students are as spread out among classes as possible.
The report explains, “By ensuring low-density distribution of conservative students, CPE can prevent them from cultivating community and solidarity. In turn, we ensure the Davidson College Republicans will continue to be dominated by extreme voices and hinder their ability to gain traction on campus.”
This operation vindicates conservative students who have long complained about a “liberal bias” throughout the college. These students argue that being forced to defend their views in class constitutes suppression and an attempt to eradicate counter-orthodox thought.
One political science professor gave their own input. “It’s not that I don’t like republicans per se, it’s just that I don’t respect them or ever want to hear them talk in class,” Dr. Snow Flake said. “I also don’t like when students have complained that I grade my liberal students’ papers differently than their more right-leaning peers. Have you ever considered that maybe they’re just dumb as fuck?”
THIS ARTICLE IS FROM A SATIRICAL ISSUE AND DOES NOT REFLECT ACTUAL VIEWS
