At 10:00 AM on Friday, September 19th, campus police were called to a frightening situation at Nummit after a freshman, who stayed up way too late, complaining about how much work they had, though not completing one assignment, ordered a latte and found chunks of a human finger in it. “My drink looked kinda red, but I thought it was just fall-themed. It wasn’t until I poured in my 10 packets of sugar and went to stir the drink when I noticed the tip of a nail poking out of the cold foam.” Performative males in the vicinity were reportedly incredibly concerned about their matchas being tainted, causing many to immediately throw their drinks out, some even before the finger was found, according to witnesses. Upon investigating where the finger pieces originated, police officials came to the shocking realization that the coffee in the freshman’s cup wasn’t actually Nummit coffee, but rather Commons coffee. One rookie officer allegedly fainted after receiving the lab report on the coffee content. “You know, you hear horror stories about the job, but you’re never quite ready when you’re face-to-face with something so horrible. Really, Commons’ coffee?” Police have since identified a plot executed by Commons food service workers to make their coffee seem better by switching Commons’ and Nummit’s grounds. Dining Services has released the following statement:

“We are appalled by recent reports of two of our employees’ malfeasance. They are no longer employed by Davidson. However, we cannot blame the events of September 19th solely on their actions. At Vail Commons, we have always pledged to keep our mystery meats, particularly human, horse, and groundhog, out of the stations where all students, regardless of their diet, should be able to eat and drink. We have failed our vegan and vegetarian diners, and we will strive to make our coffee safe for everyone to drink in the future. With that being said, don’t worry, because our mystery meats will still be served at the Chef Expressions, Du Jour, Herbs and Spices, and Corner Grill stations. Thank you for your patience at this time.”