April 25, 2025 started as a normal Frolics Friday. The wind was calm and humid. Androgyny was clearing out the Acapalooza crowd. Commons workers kept hordes of drommons-goers at bay, all the while the stage was being set-—a stage that would allow this little campus to become the site of one of the most disastrous government intelligence leaks in U.S. history.
This Yowl writer attended the concert hoping to hear Rock Lobster thinking The 502s were the B-52’s. ROTC reportedly had the same confusion, resulting in them sending in a Black Hawk to take down a bomber that was never there. Though “Love Shack” couldn’t be heard, The Yowl stayed to continue coverage and was pleasantly surprised. However, halfway through the KYLE performance, the earpiece that The Yowl editors use to workshop their headlines about the basketball team losing began to pick up a rogue signal. A man with a deep voice listed off words such as “Red River,” “Delta,” “Rico,” “Water,” “Borne,” “Binki” and “Commons.” The signal repeated several times, then suddenly stopped. The Yowl thought nothing of it until KYLE seemed to enter a trance, briefly walked off the stage and instigated a deadly coup against the Student Government Association president, implementing an authoritarian candidate that aligns with Central Intelligence Agency values. It was at this point that The Yowl grew suspicious of KYLE.
The Yowl contacted its Union Board plant to investigate in the green room. After the Union Board group picture was taken, a brief interview was conducted. “Keep being smart,” KYLE stated to the group. To the unsuspecting listener, this may sound like well wishes from a nervous celebrity put on the spot by an awkward college student, but to a keen journalist, such as those at The Yowl, this was clearly a threat and a warning not to dig deeper.
We called his bluff and repeated the aforementioned code words in his ear during a hug. Suddenly, the same voice came over the earpiece and stated that Agent SuperDuper had been compromised. KYLE then began talking about how he needed to take his shirt off because it was sweaty, proceeded to run to a back room in the Alvarez College Union to forge government documents and, perhaps most suspiciously, barricaded himself in the E. H. Little Library (Libs), burning radical books and pamphlets that were marked as classified.
The Yowl left this interview discouraged and downtrodden with no hard evidence of a deeper conspiracy. The next day, The Yowl went to investigate Libs, when the power went off. The Yowl suspects this was an act by the government to contain an attempt to eliminate KYLE, who was still at large on Davidson’s campus and was reportedly cheating at the Patterson Court Council jousting event and stealing funds from the Activities Tax Council to purchase a getaway boat. How else could a power grid be out for that long? Duke Energy is a competent corporation with zero inefficiency problems and always puts the needs of its customers first. It has never once let us down or displayed any incompetence. They did not put copious amounts of coal ash in Lake Norman. [Editor’s Note: this writer is not being paid to promote this company and only makes this comment with love and affection in their heart for the beloved Duke Energy]. Sadly, The Yowl still could not locate KYLE for a follow-up to the prior interview. Sunday came and went with The Yowl turning up empty-handed after countless dead ends and mistaking hungover people in Wall for dead bodies that KYLE could have left in his wake.
Sometimes journalism is disappointing. The Yowl did their best to track down KYLE, but failed despite hearing distant gunshots and references to his movie “The After Party.” This writer was sunbathing on the Old Tennis Court Lawn when they witnessed military intervention as a Sikorsky UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter deployed and apprehended KYLE in the most secretive and secure place on campus: the Dana-Watson basement and tunnels. In what would be known as “Operation Playinwitme,” the military removed KYLE from campus, wiped all records of his Frolics performance and set charges to destroy Libs and all evidence therein. The government denies any part in Operation Playinwitme and fails to recognize the events of Frolics. The Yowl would like to state its commitment to truth in exposing conspiracies that attack the student body. We apologize that we could not learn more about KYLE and his life as a sleeper agent, but we look forward to future Union Board-sponsored sleeper agents and the opportunity to do our darn best journalism we can.
Here is a QR code to the interview:
