Last Monday, the humane, caring and loving leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis, passed away. He was a champion for progressive ideals and the modernization of the Church. He will be deeply missed. With the papal conclave and the College of Cardinals soon forming, this The Yowl writer would like to throw his hat in the ring.

I am the perfect candidate to be the next recipient of the papal seat. I dislike JD Vance as much as the last pope, I would look great in the popemobile and run a diocese in rural North Carolina. I imagine that Vatican City life is a lot like Davidson life. It contains roughly the same surface area as the small nation. Though I have not watched “Conclave,” I plan to do so since I love Stanley Tucci.

If I am allowed to become the pope, I will enact several reforms that will change the Church for the better. The Swiss Guards will no longer wear those bright, flashy outfits. If I am to have bodyguards, they must blend in. The Vatican will also no longer allow tours. If I am going to be living in there, I don’t want groups of gawking tourists watching me in my bathrobe.

My major change will be the return of indulgences to pay for my planned Vatican City-themed park called the Holy Water Resort. These indulgences will also pay for the return of the Crusades, this time against Protestant nations. If I’m going to rule all Catholics, I’m going to expand my domain and make Martin Luther roll in his grave.

If you hire me as the new pope, I will work hard! I promise.