Following significant turmoil and protest surrounding housing issues caused by both the new StarRez platform and administrative turnover, the Residence Life Office (RLO) unveiled an innovative policy that they claim will “significantly reduce” complaints about housing. The “Fuck it, F is for Freshmen” (FiFiFF) policy was introduced via a school-wide email from current Housing Director Arlo Hausing. The email states that “after significant protest regarding decisions made by the omnipotent StarRez portal and our own incompetence, we have come to the decision that the most equitable outcome for students currently in the search for housing is to not give Martin Court housing to anyone.” Instead, RLO promises a new “golden age” of housing, in which seniors have the choice of living in Belk, Little, Watts or Richardson Hall; freshmen will have apartments in Martin Court. “Having senior housing in closer proximity to each other, to academic buildings and to the police ensures a safer environment, higher likelihood of class attendance and even less work for our police officers,” Hausing said.

Hausing then defended this decision. “We believe that giving incoming first years a new housing option with four or five random students per dwelling will increase social interaction and foster a greater sense of community,” an RLO representative said after we asked for comment.

The representative mentioned that their policy-making was “heavily inspired by the current administration” and their method of fixing a problem by gutting the source. “We saw how all of the problems with American education were solved by getting rid of the Department of Education and thought, ‘Why can’t we do the same with our housing crisis by completely changing the housing system?’” The method, trademarked as “Fuck Shit up so Badly no one Even Knows What to Complain About Anymore,” has proven to be successful with students. “At first, I was worried I wasn’t going to get a Jamie apartment with my buddies,” rising senior Ivana Hause said. “But the new system didn’t even give me a timeslot, which made me reflect on the privilege of the housing I’ve grown so accustomed to. Thanks for helping me deal with my privilege RLO!”

Note: RLO still has not decided how students coming back from abroad will find housing. “We’re just leaving that up to them to figure out—it saves us money,” Arlo Hausing said.