Tragedy struck last Tuesday when first-year student Norman Woolbottom ‘28 got sucked into a vortex of denim and belt chains during a Fashion Club event. The calamity occurred during Fashion Club’s first ever attempt to break the world record for biggest pair of jorts. The club created the event in order to squash the anti-jort stigma on campus and increase positive press for their organization. As they worked on crafting their mega-jort, the denim structure tumbled, taking Woolbottom with it. Woolbottom was taken to the hospital to tend to his injuries and was later diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Jorts Disorder (PTJD).
Art Burley ‘28, jorts aficionado, witnessed the catastrophe as he was working on patching the giant pair of jorts together. “It was crazy man,,” Burley stated. “We were working on the jorts, as happy as can be, talking about Clairo’s latest selfie, when all of of a sudden—Whoosh! Norman was gone before we even knew what had happened.”
Fashion Club member Cordelia Stamps ‘25 was disappointed by the occurrence. “All I wanted was the world record. This was really going to put us on the map, but now we have to start all over again from scratch. I wasted 1,667 yards of denim fabric, which was not cheap. Do you know how many limited edition pairs of Sambas I could have bought with that money? Lots!” Stamps exasperated. The club will have to wait a full year before they can attempt the record again.
Reporters from The Davidsonian had the chance to interview Woolbottom during his stay at the hospital. “It all happened so fast.” Woolbottom was visibly emotional. “One second you’re enjoying a nice artistic break from finals and the next… nothing.” Woolbottom recalled the time spent under the denim mountain and not knowing whether he’d ever be retrieved. “I would try to yell and my mouth would just fill with thrift-store denim. At one point I thought I’d choke to death. I started wondering if I’d ever see my family again.”
During our conversation, a friend of Woolbottom came to visit. Within moments of him entering the room, however, Woolbottom started screaming. The friend, Bill Meowance ‘27, was quick to realize his mistake. “I came in wearing jeans,” he told The Davidsonian later, once everything had calmed down and he had the chance to change into sweatpants. “I mean, they were Temu jeans, so not real denim, but still. Norman’s been struggling with those kinds of triggers. I wasn’t thinking, I feel horrible.”
Woolbottom had to take a few minutes to calm down before resuming the interview. “Obviously I’m still healing,” he explained. “It’s a process.” When asked how he felt about how this may affect his life at Davidson, Woolbottom displayed visible anxiety. “I really love Nummit, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to go there anymore now that I get triggered by jorts.” He has also been considering how he might have to change plans for next semester. “I was thinking about pledging KSIG next semester, but now I can’t. I mean, it would just be constant triggers.” Woolbottom continued on, “I know no peace anymore. I close my eyes and it’s just jort. I don’t know what to do.”
The Davidsonian also reached out to Fashion Club President Satchel Handbahg ‘26 for comment. “Obviously we feel horrible about the situation,” Handbahg stated. “But there have been some questions. Like, why was he there in the first place? He doesn’t really have the sauce.” While it’s true that Woolbottom is a bit outside of the fashion club’s norm (no visible piercings and a tendency to don polos), the victim-blaming was a bit concerning. Handbahg went far enough to mention that “no one would ever wonder if he was bi. Which, like, is kinda the whole vibe.”
In face of this tragedy, the Davidson community is wondering how Fashion Club could possibly make up for their lack of student safety considerations. The club has pushed for a “Fear of Denim Awareness Week” where students can learn more about the dangers and signs of PTJD and how to avoid it. Woolbottom‘s parents want the organization to pay for his son’s remaining tuition of 3.7 billion dollars. Fashion Club refused to leave further comment.
Clara Ottati ‘27 is a Sexy major from Chicago, IL and can be reached for comment at [email protected].
Josie Swain ‘27 is a Ginger Studies major from Atlanta, GA and can be reached for comment at [email protected].
