On December 8th, 2024, the College Football Playoff (CFP) committee announced the twelve teams that would compete in hopes of winning a national championship. To the surprise of fans everywhere, the University of Alabama, who earned their lowest end of season ranking since 2007, was excluded from the hunt.

In a surprising turn of events, the usually mature and intelligent Alabama football fanbase, led by SEC loyalist Paul Finebaum and icon Roll Tide Willie, who famously “don’t give a piss ‘bout nothin’ but the Tide,” began a series of violent protests across the state, demanding that the committee resort to a thirteen-team playoff. Worried about CFP committee chair Warde Manuel’s safety, the committee reluctantly agreed to the protestors’ terms and shortly thereafter announced the instatement of an emergency thirteen-team playoff. Because of such an unprecedented action, they decided that it would only be fair to offer every team across the country an equal shot at receiving the final spot. The contest deemed most logical, and that which would garner the best television ratings, was a field goal contest hosted by Pat McAfee, an absolute legend of the sport.

The contest was simple: every school in the country had a randomly-selected student attend the CFP x College GameDay x Cheez-It x Dos Equis x Toyota x Burger King Field Day Extravaganza, where each student would get a singular chance at kicking a fifty-yard field goal to send their team to the prestigious College Football Playoff.

Now, we offer our readers a statistic that they likely have not yet heard: roughly twenty-five percent of the Davidson College student body is made up of NCAA Division I athletes (not to mention the additional handful of students who participate in cheerleading, which is almost a sport in its own right). A young buck by the name of Patrick Ward ‘27 was chosen out of a hat to represent Davidson. Commensurate with the aforementioned stat, Ward happens to be a member of the men’s soccer team. In a pressurized environment, he made the field goal with ease, with every single other participant missing horribly. The committee announced, then, that it would be Davidson who would occupy the thirteenth spot in the playoff, finally able to get redemption after their humiliating loss to Valparaiso.

The decision to allow Davidson to compete in the CFP immediately created huge waves across the sports world. After having announced his resignation, Head Coach Scott Abell came forth and said that “it was never [his] intention to leave Davidson for good” and that “[he] just wanted to play a little prank on the guys to test their resilience.” Coach Abell will continue to coach the Wildcats for the remainder of the season, equipped with some extra star power from the transfer portal. Alabama star Quarterback Jalen Milroe hit the portal and plans to start for Davidson in their first-round matchup. “Yeah, man, I’m, like, super excited to get a chance to lead Denison to victory,” Milroe said. “They just seem like a real motivated group of guys, or whatever. This is the opportunity I’ve always dreamed of, I guess.” Joining Milroe in the backfield will be Ole Miss Running Back Ulysses Bentley IV, who similarly entered the portal to achieve his unlikely dreams of playing football at Davidson College, which, per Coach Abell, was Bentley’s first choice over Ole Miss. “He wanted to play football here real bad, but I guess even more than that he wanted a school that would challenge him in the classroom. Now that a national title is on the line, [Bentley] seems willing to sacrifice his academics and commit fully to the sport.”

Davidson’s improbable path to the pinnacle of college football has infused students and analysts alike with a sense of hope. The unreal amount of excitement buzzing around the ESPN crew has even resulted in a Benjamin Button-esque transformation for eighty-nine-year-old analyst Lee Corso, who appears to fill with youth and energy whenever he talks about the Wildcats. Several professors across Davidson’s campus cancelled their final exams so students could turn their focus to a much more important moment. The Wildcats are slated to face #12 Clemson in a play-in game (a la March Madness “First Four”), the winner of which will advance to face Texas in the first round of the CFP. Hype has already begun to build amongst Davidson students and players, who believe more than anyone that they have the chops to win a national championship. We wish the best of luck to all the players and coaches as they take on this incredible journey.

The Wildcats enter their match against Clemson as ninety-seven-point underdogs.

THIS ARTICLE IS FROM A SATIRICAL ISSUE AND DOES NOT REFLECT ACTUAL VIEWS