As the semester comes to a close, all of us here at The Davidsonian wanted to give some of our loyal contributors the recognition they deserve. We spoke with three article regulars: Abigail Przynosch ‘27, Connor Hines ‘26, and Davis Varnado ‘25 to get an inside look at how they handle the publicity.

Abigail Przynosch ‘27 gave us great input this year on everything from Chick-fil-A to campus community relief efforts.

However, one may begin to wonder if all this attention from the press gave Przynosch what some may call a “big head,” so we had to find out for ourselves if this was true. In a recent tell-all interview, the star of the SGA Food & Housing Committee revealed her true feelings about The Davidsonian, her future plans for food at Davidson, recent concerns, life after fame, and so much more:

The Davidsonian: What do you really think of The Davidsonian? 

Pryznosch:  Well, I like The Davidsonian, and Claire and Ben have thanked me on how much I’ve contributed to the newspaper this year. They’re like, “You and your quotes are in it every single week,” but it honestly got me thinking. Do these people have nobody else to interview? But I actually love to be reached out to. It makes me feel important, which I love. It helps fuel my ego.

he Davidsonian: As chair of the Food and Housing Committee, what is your favorite food at Davidson? 

Pryznosch: Let’s see… I have to say Commons ice cream. I love Commons ice cream. Yes, I love hand-scooped ice cream. And we have waffle cones. I love the waffle cones.

The Davidsonian: Do you have any big plans for next semester? 

Pryznosch: Attacking machine lubricant oil use in Vail Commons.

The Davidsonian: The news of a Chick-fil-A coming to campus was such a big deal. Did it affect you at all? 

Pryznosch: Life after the Chick-fil-A announcement was peak. After the announcement went out, me and Connor spent the whole morning scrolling Yik Yak and we just kept reloading it and calling each other and we would screenshot our favorite ones. So I loved the Yik Yak comments. It gave me a little bit of a boost of ego. It was my fifteen minutes of fame. And now I’m always thinking about how I can do better than the Chick-fil-A arrival.

The Davidsonian: Do you have any projects in the works so that you can cling to that fame? 

Pryznosch: You know, I’m always on the up. Right now, I have a plan to get rid of the Qdoba stench, [assimilate] the Silent 500 into the broader Davidson community, and work on giving SGA members benefits, specifically giving myself first pick on WebTree.

The Davidsonian: Can you tell me a bit more about your plan to unify the Silent 500? 

Pryznosch: Of course, we’re going to bring the entire Silent 500 together. If we do this, we need a large venue, so we’re going to have the event in the new football stadium. And we’re only serving Commons ice cream.

After leaving us begging for answers, Hines has finally disclosed his upcoming presidential (or possibly dictatorial?) plans for next semester and his undying love for The Davidsonian (thank you, Mr. President! *salutes*).

The Davidsonian: How do you really feel about The Davidsonian?  

Hines: I love The Davidsonian. I read it religiously. I loved the Chick-fil-A article. But I also get a little intimidated by the editors sometimes. [Editors’ Note: He’s intimidated by how cool and talented we all are.] But oh my gosh I just love Claire Kelly. That woman is amazing. I have a good relationship with her. I also love Aidan Marks.

The Davidsonian: Do you ever wish The Davidsonian would leave SGA alone? 

Hines: You could say that sometimes, yeah.

The Davidsonian: What is one thing you wish we would interview you about? 

Hines: Restaurant recommendations for this area, because I live like fifteen minutes away. I could go on and on about this area in general. The amount of crap I could talk about [the Charlotte metropolitan area]… I mean the interstates, they suck, [and] Charlotte actually isn’t all that great since it feels very millennial, [there are] a lot of small breweries.

The Davidsonian: As SGA president, everyone has big hopes for what you’ll do after Davidson. What are your post-grad plans? 

Hines: Well, I actually do plan on staying SGA president forever. We’re going to bend the rules a bit. You know they’re actually buying me a chair next semester, like a throne.

The Davidsonian: So like a dictator?

Hines: Well, that word didn’t come out of my mouth…

The Davidsonian: Oh, ok. Well, anyway, your current Vice President Maya Rajeh ‘27 is going abroad next fall. How are you going to find her replacement? 

Hines: Well, I actually have an unconventional approach to this. I plan on going on “Love is Blind.” That’s my summer plan. I’m looking for someone who is sensible, a good leader, the works.

The Davidsonian: What if you magically became Doug Hicks for a day? What would your first order of business be? 

Hines: First thing would be an overhaul of Commons. Lord knows it needs it. 

The Davidsonian: SGA or Union Board?

Hines: I have to say SGA. I am an incredibly uncreative person, so I leave that to Davis [Varnado].

The Davidsonian: Davis said you would choose Union Board over SGA. Thoughts?

Hines: So Davis is a little bit of a liar, and that’s okay. That is okay.

Davis Varnado, Union Board president and mascot wannabe, provided insight into his true feelings about The Davidsonian and clarified his unclear political views.

The Davidsonian: Who is your favorite editor and why?

Varnado: I think my favorite editors have to be Ben, Claire, and Campbell. I see them a lot, and they’re my go-tos. I think Ben Peake is the biggest mystery we have on this campus. I saw him every day last semester, and now he’s gone—I think he’s busy for once—so I do want to see more of him. I’m just gonna say he’s my favorite for now because I hope that will inspire a connection. I’m so lucky to know Campbell and Claire so well and get to actually see them as normal people. I want to see Ben more.

The Davidsonian: Who is your least favorite editor?

Varnado: Is Bilal [Razzak ‘25] still an editor? [Editors’ Note: Thankfully, no.]

The Davidsonian: How do you really feel about The Davidsonian?

Varnado: My biggest gripe with The Davidsonian is that my mother, Christie Varnado, used to be on your mailing list. She used to get The Davidsonian in the mail. She has not received a copy in a very long time. So please include Christie Varnado [this time]. Send her The Davidsonian because she wants to read it. She wants to keep up with what’s going on on her son’s campus, and she can’t do that because of you guys. Thank you.

The Davidsonian: What do you wish we would interview you about?

Varnado: I have to set the record straight here. Claire Kelly lowkey made me sound like a Republican at the Election Party because, I don’t know, I was just very positive about the Election Party in general. I just wanna say that I was really positive about the event—not about the results. So if you can put that in, just let them know I’m not happy with the election results. But thank you for coming to the Election Party and showing community. That’s what I want to say. 

The Davidsonian: Do you ever wish we would leave you alone? 

Varnado: No, I love feeling important on this campus. If I wasn’t interviewed by you guys, I’d be really upset. 

The Davidsonian: Switching gears away from The Davidsonian, if you were a shape of pasta, what type of pasta would you be? 

Varnado: Cavatappi all the way.

The Davidsonian: Why? 

Varnado: It’s the perfect pasta shape. Cavatappi also seems like a very left-leaning pasta shape. I feel like penne is very Republican. No, maybe penne won’t tell you who they voted for. [Cavatappi] is just a really good one all around. It goes well with marinara sauce, in mac and cheese. It’s very, very versatile. 

The Davidsonian: On that same note, are you a plate or a bowl person? 

Varnado: Plate.

The Davidsonian: Your pasta goes on a plate? 

Varnado: Oh, for sure. You don’t put pasta in a bowl, except when I make my carbone spicy vodka pasta. Pasta belongs on… maybe the plates that have a little bit of a bowl to them, but not a cereal bowl. No, no. My quarter-Italian self does not like that. You put it on a plate. Grow up and put it on a plate.

The Davidsonian: Who do you think the Davidson mascot Roary is?

Varnado: My biggest regret in this life is that I was not a mascot… I’m not a furry. If Claire Kelly’s listening to this, I want her to know I’m not a furry. I never have been. I never will be. However, I think being a mascot would be so fun. I think that’s the dream. It’s a dream. [Editors’ note: Davis Varnado was, in fact, a furry for Halloween. And also, Claire Kelly was temporarily the mascot during the summer of 2024, and Varnado was not.]

After talking with all three of our regulars, it is evident that their constant appearances in The Davidsonian have given them all quite large egos. As seen in the interviews above, it was extremely easy to get them all talking about themselves. They didn’t even bother to ask us any questions about our lives, our opinions on them, or our plans for next semester. 

The Davidsonian formally apologizes for the damage that might have been done to these interviewees’ loved ones due to the change in self perception afforded to them by us constantly valuing their opinion. We promise that next semester, some humbling will be done.

THIS ARTICLE IS FROM A SATIRICAL ISSUE AND DOES NOT REFLECT ACTUAL VIEWS