The Davidsonian: Well, first of all, as you know, Yik Yak is a very interesting app that we have on campus. We were wondering, do you have Yik Yak? If so, what is your yak karma?

President Hicks: I’m not really Yik Yak active. 

The Davidsonian: Okay, follow up, are you familiar with the creatures on Yik Yak that people talk about? 

President Hicks: I wish I were familiar with that, but my brain is full of other things for the benefit of Davidson College.

[Editors’ Note: Director of Media Relations Jay Pfeifer sat in on the interview with President Hicks and gave some of his own personal opinions too.]

Jay Pfeifer: I am aware, yes, we [keep President Hicks] blissfully ignorant. It’s better for Doug.

The Davidsonian: Do you have a favorite of the animals? 

Jay: I guess I’m partial to the groundhog. [Editors’ Note: Little Freak did not respond for comment when asked who his favorite Davidson faculty member was.]

The Davidsonian: So, I don’t know if you’ve noticed the scooter epidemic on campus, particularly from the baseball and football players. Do you think that you would have used a scooter during your time on campus? 

President Hicks: You know, it’s pretty hard to go back in time, but I will say I rode my bike around campus a lot. So maybe. Maybe. It’s a definite, hard maybe.

The Davidsonian: How do you feel about the scooters? 

President Hicks: Well, when they’re parked well and not blocking entrances or accessibility ramps, I’m all for them.

The Davidsonian: I’d say you’re pretty renowned for your ping pong abilities. Do you think a) you could beat everyone on campus at ping pong? And b) is there a celebrity that you would love to beat in ping pong, or at least play with? 

President Hicks: Oh, okay, so I know there [is] at least one student who has beat me a couple of times, so I would say I’m prepared to be second place out of the entire campus. And I’d really like to challenge Rafael Nadal. Rafa just retired, and I think that would be an ideal table tennis match. And he’s got more time on his hands now.

The Davidsonian: So while we’re on the sports theme, are you a fantasy football activist? Or, you know, what would your ideal fantasy football punishment be?

President Hicks: I’m not into fantasy football. I love watching sports, but I don’t really gamble on sports. I, at one point, was in a rotisserie [roto] baseball league, but it was just too hard to keep up with. I think wearing the uniform of another team that you don’t support would be [a good punishment].

The Davidsonian: If you were to live in any fantasy world from any book or TV show, which do you think it would be and why?

President Hicks: I’ll say I would live in The Canterbury Tales so that I could go on a pilgrimage.

The Davidsonian: What would be an ideal celebrity dinner party group that you would have if you could?

President Hicks: Well, we definitely invite Stephen and Ayesha Curry, because they’re awesome. They’re very Davidson. I think President Obama would be great and Michelle, they’d be great guests. [On the topic of] current people, Rafael Nadal. I’ll say Neil deGrasse Tyson, because he seems really smart and really interesting and seems to apply astrophysics to everything true. So I’ll stick with that.

The Davidsonian: As you know there was a recent poll that swept Davidson at the beginning of the school year: what to name the new Wildcat. We’re dying to know, did you vote for Roary and are you a fan of the name?

President Hicks: I’m a huge fan of Roary. That’s important. I’m not saying who I voted for. [Editors’ Note: It is very suspicious that President Hicks did not reveal who he voted for.]

The Davidsonian: You’ve been granted the title by some students [Claire Haile ‘25] as the “Mona Lisa” of Davidson because you always have a slight smile on your face. Students want to know, what are you smiling about?

President Hicks: [Big laugh and knee slap] I’m smiling out of gratitude that I get to lead my alma mater. And I feel pretty fortunate to get to do that.

The Davidsonian: Speaking of your days at your alma mater before your presidency, what did a typical weekend look like for you at Davidson College? Were you part of any clubs or activities that had a lot going on on the weekends outside of baseball? 

President Hicks: Way back when I was student here, I actually enjoyed hanging out with lots of different people. So they’re pretty varied, from Davidson Outdoors to baseball to PAX, which is no longer, it was the co-ed eating house. I don’t understand why students don’t want a co-ed or gender-diverse eating house—still doesn’t make sense to me. Watch movies in the old 900 Room, and I played a lot of ping pong. Bring that theme back around.

The Davidsonian: Switching gears to Davidson Dining Services. Have you ever partaken in Tilapia Tuesday at Commons and if not, or if so, do you have a favorite Commons meal?

President Hicks: Oh, well, I don’t recall partaking in Tilapia Tuesday, but I definitely do like tilapia. My favorite station is Herbs and Spices. So I would say I usually head for the corner. It’s consistently good.

The Davidsonian: If you could make up a class at Davidson—about anything, doesn’t have to be anything academic—what would you want to make? What do you think Davidson is missing from its course roster? 

President Hicks: I mean, I’ve always wanted to teach a course called “Baseball, A Civil Religion.” So I’ll just say that. 

The Davidsonian: What would that entail?

It would involve looking at sports and the arts and different human activities as ritualistic and, in effect, reverential or spiritual.

The Davidsonian: As you may have seen over the emails, Ben Peake, our co-editor-in-chief, couldn’t make it because of a meeting, but he said he wanted to know if you had any secret handshakes with faculty members on campus.

President Hicks: Oh, secret handshakes, no, but lots of different fist bumps. 

The Davidsonian: This was also a question that was submitted by a fan, but will we ever see the return of Doug Mugs on campus? They’re highly requested. [Editors’ Note: This was actually submitted by News Co-Editor Campbell Walker ‘25, who has several Doug Mugs in her apartment.]

President Hicks: They’re quite useful as well. They have lots of uses. I guess I would turn it back to the student body to please let me know, what is Doug Mug the sequel?  I’m open to a sequel. Maybe we need a backpack or some kind of picture. What would Doug’s mug go on next? Should it rhyme? So we could have a “Doug Rug” for example. I’m open to suggestions.

The Davidsonian: So… thoughts on the song “Teach Me How to Dougie”? 

President Hicks: Oh, yeah. I only dougie when the ESPN camera comes on me in Belk Arena. And so that’s been a few times I think I’ve embarrassed myself, and my daughter and my spouse. I was at the women’s basketball game at Ball State and the dance troupe, I think they’re called Code Red, came onto the court and they did “Teach Me How to Dougie.” And I swear to you, I looked around to see if anyone noticed that I was there at Ball State. It turns out it doesn’t matter. I just watched the dancers do the dougie.

THIS ARTICLE IS FROM A SATIRICAL ISSUE AND DOES NOT REFLECT ACTUAL VIEWS