With Columbia University giving into the demands of the Trump administration in return for federal grant money, WALT President Ima Radio-Rebel ‘26 has been preparing for budget cuts from the Activities Tax Council (ATC) in the event that Davidson does not acquiesce. “WALT is really worried about what our parties might look like without our expansive budget,” they vulnerably shared via secret radio wavelengths. “I mean, we just bought a boat [Editors’ Note: They actually did]. How am I supposed to have skin-to-skin contact with wet frat bros?”
A few days after Trump’s announcement, WALT ceased all potential aquatic activities and has been looking for other ways to save money. However, The Yowl recently discovered Radio-Rebel’s secret ploy: steal money from other student organizations. Due to Radio-Rebel’s recent social climb, which has literally included climbing into eating house enclosures, the club has already been able to solidify its power on campus, which they hope will result in future financial gain. Although it’s currently unclear what changes they will be making, Radio-Rebel suggested students should be waiting with bated breath. “I have spoken to the Board of Trustees and they have scheduled an Outlook invite for Howard Stern and Joe Rogan and will be meeting with them shortly in order to figure out what to do,” their secretary told The Yowl through interpretive dance.
Radio-Rebel—whose identity has long remained a mystery on campus—has struggled with their recent stardom. In order to get their budget back and keep their name concealed, they announced in an interview with The Yowl that they were willing to do whatever it takes. “I considered giving a member of the ATC fellatio […] But it went no further than that, and I never thought about it again. Although, there were all those summers at Bible camp… but that’s a story for a different time,” Radio-Rebel stated while licking their lips. This statement was met with praise from the Davidson community, especially the ATC, who commended them for their willingness to get their hands dirty and their knees bruised.
Who knows which ATC committe member will eventually succumb to the overwhelming desire to recieve a blowjob from Radio-Rebel?