The political scene today is harrowing, with mass firings and budget cuts across the board. College students are entering a harsh world, with grants and federal jobs becoming inaccessible. It is no exaggeration to say that higher education is up against an all-time threat. Worst of all, one more sacred institution of college life is about to be attacked: Nummit. Reports are coming out of Washington that DOGE is planning mass firings at Nummit. This comes in the wake of four baristas taking 30 minutes to make one tea. 

It was reported by an innocent Nummit-goer that the drink was an iced London Fog. A drink that only requires milk and cold tea they pour from a jug. The line at Nummit was apparently “non-existent.” The baristas would apparently complete one step in the drink-making process and then talk about “God knows what, probably tattoos and Hozier,” then finish another step before repeating the two-step process again. Adding to the lack of efficiency is the fact that each barista rotates which step of the process they’re on, as none of them can do tasks without their work bestie alongside them.

After tuition cost, Nummit is the largest money maker for Davidson’s campus. DOGE finds it completely unacceptable to spend all this extra money on baristas slowly making drinks when they could be maximizing profits.