Due to the rise of break-ins and thefts last year and the transfer of several important documents from the E.H. Little Library, the Sloan Music Center has debuted a new security measure for trespassers; The moment the clock strikes midnight on Davidson campus, any intruders leaving Sloan will be flattened by a piano into a pancake.
The plan was put forward this year after much deliberation by the Music Department. When interviewing the head of the department, Tarta Kooth, she had this to say, “You know, I really loved Looney Tunes as a kid. I was a big fan of that Wile E Coyote character, I always wanted him to catch that damn bird. I was rewatching with my daughter recently when I got the idea. There’s so many pianos lying around this building and I thought, ‘what the hell, sure, let’s crush some intruders into a pancake.’”
The system has been wildly successful in deterring trespassers, but there have also been some mishaps. Several students dressed in ski masks and black and white striped sweaters were exiting the building with their instruments late at night when a piano dropped on them. A passerby saw the scene and called an ambulance, and the students were unflattened in the E.R. The students, Lars Ceny, Robert Berry, and Holden Up, are deeply displeased with the new system. “We were practicing our instruments last night and had no time to change for the Cops and Robbers themed KSig party, so we thought we’d just practice in our outfits.” When police examined the contents of the student’s pockets, they found crowbars, gold ingots, and gems, all of which the students claimed were theirs. “I don’t believe in banks,” said Lars.
The situation has resulted in some push-back against the new system, saying it may be too cartoonishly violent. “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all these pianos,” replied Tarta Kooth. “We’ll figure something out, I guess.”