Since JD Vance has clearly demonstrated his omnipotent power—strong enough to take down even the holiest religious leader, Pope Francis—it’s only fair that he start taking requests. If he can’t be a good vice president, he should at least be a good genie. Here’s a short list of things JD Vance should kill and/or break next:
The couple that makes out in the middle of Commons
Break: Some backs (for the sake of some people’s mental health)
All the ants in Libs, so we can have a functioning library for, like, one more week
Trump! For the plot. You know—besties to enemies
The hearts of all evil exes and situationships still roaming this earth
The Davidson power grid, so we can finally replace it and be free from eternal power outages
The company that makes the godawful Commons tortellini
The people who banned BORGs (or just slash their tires—it’s fine)
The new mascot
People with peanut allergies
People who leave their stuff behind to reserve a space for hours and don’t come back
People who still can’t tell the difference between there, their and they’re
Periods (6 feet tall, benches 350 pounds, by the way)*
*5’9” and can’t bench two 40 pound dumbbells
Here’s an even shorter list of things JD Vance should absolutely stay away from:
Eiichiro Oda (I need to know what the One Piece is)
George R.R. Martin
Edwin
Our favorite Union cashier
The Davidson College Symphony Orchestra
Good-looking, non-balding people—there’s a shortage!