White Guilt Award: This award goes to an outstanding white Africana Studies major who feels very guilty about all the bad stuff white people have done.
Cried in the Most Academic Buildings Award: This award goes to the student who has suffered through the most all-nighters, the most failed exams, the most ruthless breakups and the most freshman-year friendships lost.
Accidentally Joined Five Clubs While Trying to Get Free Pizza Award: This award is pretty self-explanatory.
The Oops! Science Award: This award goes to the student who, upon falling asleep in the lab accidentally, created a chemical explosion that resulted in a cure for every cancer. We know your labmates are jealous of you.
Most Caffeinated Award: This award goes to the student who spent the most time in Nummit. For shame.
Moved So Slowly to Class They Reversed Time Award: This award goes to the student who is always walking in front of me and defies the laws of physics by walking impossibly slow, so slow in fact a dead squirrel passed them up the hill.
Most Likely to Be in a Hit-and-Run Involving a Scooter Award: This award is given to the student-athlete who asserts their dominance on campus by recklessly whizzing around campus like the soon-to-be nonner they are.
No One Knows What I Study Award: Given to the student who has to explain what anthropology is every week.
Local Cryptid Award: This award goes to the groundhog that lives next to Qdoba.
How Are You Phi Beta Kappa? Award: This award goes to the student who skips all their classes, is never seen doing their homework and only appears on campus once in a blue moon but still holds a 4.0 GPA.
Silent 500 Award: The student who lives in Irwin, Akers or Knox.